Preface

Dear Reader, 

You probably don’t know me, or maybe you’ve come across pieces of my writing previously. Doesn’t matter. Let me introduce myself to you – I am Aakriti, a writer working at the intersections of vulnerabilities and politics. 

This is a letter I write to you as you embark on your journey of being a sexual being. I write to you as someone who has made her share of mistakes while exploring herself, her body and the people around her – sexually. 

I just want to let you know that it’s okay to be confused and to make irrational decisions and choices while in love or lust. But make sure that any advances you make towards someone is consensual and any time you give consent, it isn’t influenced. I don’t mean to preach to you about sex, you will have your own journey of learning and experiencing sex. 

All I want to do is tell you some stories; carefully curated and written down. 

Stories are broadly based on one theme, but we know how sex goes – it never truly sticks to one theme. Each story is a conglomeration of many themes, the way real life is! 

I don’t intend these stories to be revelatory or enlightening but to remind you to reflect on your own sexual behaviours. 

I hope this is as pleasurable a read as your orgasms!

 

Story 1: On Consent

It goes back to when I was young and naïve. Not so young for you to be alarmed! I had left my teen years behind. A legally consenting human – above 18 according to Nepali laws.

This guy, whom I had a crush on, was over at my place and we were watching some anime. Let me tell you, anime is not my jam. The body heat flowing right beside me was solely where my attention was fixated on. After a little playful banter, faked curiosity about the anime, we started making out. Started slow and then went on to be passionate, hands roaming across each other’s bodies. Fully clothed bodies rubbing against each other, on top of each other. And then I felt shy, a little weird, funny, nervous. I untangled our bodies and said he must leave because my roommate was coming back. He asked if I wanted to go to his room with him. I denied. 

The night ended. 

Next time, I felt more courageous. And this time, we were in his room. We were watching some stupid videos (who even watches them!). And then – back in the same heated positions. This time, clothes started coming off, hands even more adventurous on our bodies. But every single time, he asked. He asked – “is this okay?” “are you comfortable?” “let me know if you want to stop” “can I open this?” 

Every. Single. Time. 

I told him that I hadn’t had sex before. He asked me “what does it mean for me.” I said “I haven’t given it much of a thought.” And then I said I didn’t want to have penetrative sex. I didn’t let him finger me too. I just let him kiss me on my upper body and my bare torso. But I gave him a hand job and after he ejaculated, I felt awkward and left his room. 

I wish I had stayed. He wanted me to stay. But what I had been fed about sex before, made me leave. 

A couple more of these encounters and we stopped seeing each other. We still follow one another on twitter though. 

There are many things I want you to take away from this story. I’ve listed them down below. 

Consent - Did you see how he asked for consent ever single step along the way? It made the entire experience even hotter. He simply asked and made sure that I felt comfortable. 

Consent can be understood with the acronym FIRES—“Freely given, Informed, Reversible, Enthusiastic and Specific.”

There should be no factors influencing the decision an individual makes when it comes to consent—for example, the individual shouldn’t be under the influence of alcohol or feel pressured because the partner is rich, older, or influential. The individuals should know what ‘touching’ means in the context—whether it’s touching of arms and shoulders or genitalia.

Consent is reversible and can be revoked at any instance, even if both partners are naked. In addition, consent should be enthusiastic and expressed along the lines of, “Yes, I want to have sex. I want to hold them. I want to do things.”

Him and I didn’t talk much. I was aware that the videos we watched together weren’t of my interests at all, but I still played along. We didn’t connect on any front. When I stopped pretending, it was evident that we wouldn’t last. What remained was just the physical. And that was okay too because it was consensual. And I am grateful for him because he taught me what consent should look like. But I knew that I should stop being the people-pleaser if I truly want a meaningful human connection. 

I wish I didn’t leave that night after he ejaculated. Oftentimes we have been fed the idea that a guy wants nothing after he orgasms, and I think I acted on that thought. I wanted to stay but I didn’t because I presumed, he wanted me to leave. I wish I didn’t presume what he wanted and asked instead. 

Story 2: You don’t owe sex to anyone

This guy and I had matched on Tinder. Years later, we decided to meet up for drinks. 

One thing led to another – we started dancing and making out and then, next thing I remember is waking up on my bed with him beside me. Clothes off.

Intoxicated, I had taken him to a bedroom I shared with a roommate. I don’t remember what interactions he had with my roommate, or what transpired thereafter. All I felt was guilt – for putting both my roommate and my date in such an awkward situation. 

I made up with my roommate, but I didn’t know how best to apologize to my date. I did apologize for my behaviour. We went out on many dates after that. 

Fast forward a couple of months, I invited him over to my place. We had sex. I was fully sober this time. 

But when I think back – I invited him over because I still felt guilty about putting him in that situation. 

I felt like I owed him sex. 

There are many things I want you to take away from this story. I’ve listed them down below. 

Learn to handle your drinks. Always drink water while you consume alcohol. Make sure to eat well before, in between and after drinks. And do not get completely smashed on a first date. Things could have turned extremely wrong that night. Had my date not been a good guy, I could have exposed myself to extremely dangerous situation. 

Depending on alcohol to act on your sexual desires isn’t healthy. 

You don’t owe sex to anyone. Even if you might have been sexting with them. Even if they paid for your drinks and dinner. Even if you gave them blue balls. Even if you have been dating for months. Even if you make out with them. Even if you have taken your clothes off. Even if you have had sex with them before. Even if you feel like you have been leading them on. Even if you invite them over. Even if you go to their home. Even if you are already in the middle of passionate love-making session. YOU. DO. NOT. OWE. SEX. TO. ANYONE. 

Story 3: Sex is not just penetration

I think of her sometimes. Her dark skin, her coarse hair that ended right above the eyebrows, her lean figure, her sense of fashion and that belly button she always left on display. Her apartment swelled with her artistic expressions. Torso of a mannequin clad in a dress made from newspapers. She was already a fashion icon. 

A group of girls in her apartment, all her friends, none mine. She a Taurus, I a Capricorn. A checkmark in my head. 

Night falls, we go out clubbing, come back and share a bed together. I kiss her. She kisses me back. Clothes start peeling off. Hands all over. Breasts sucked. Nipples pinched. Vibrators turned on. 

But you tell me, did we have sex? 

Let me break your chain of thought here. 

Take three deep breaths with me. Breathe in until the count of 7. Hold your breath until the count of 4. Breathe out until the count of 8. Repeat the breathing exercise two more times. 

Now, let’s imagine sex. When you think of sex, what comes in your head? Be honest. 

Penis and vagina? Penetration? 

What about fingering, or anal intercourse or blow jobs? 

sex ≠ penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration

Sex doesn’t always need to involve penetration of the vagina. For many individuals, sex never involves penetrative sex at all! Particularly for queer couples, sex looks very different from the heteronormative ideas of sex between cisgender heterosexual couples.

Kissing, dry humping, mutual masturbation, massaging, using sex toys, oral sex and anal sex are considered “outercourse” activities. Outercourse refers to sex that doesn’t involve penetration. 

In fact, majority women do not orgasm through penetrative sex and require clitoral stimulation as well. Stimulating the clitoris includes using fingers, hands, mouth, tongue or sex toys (or any other creative means) to orgasm – may not require a penis at all!

Hence, sex is not just penetration! 

Story 4: Debunking 15 common myths about sex

Sex is a skill you learn over time.

Nobody is born great at sex. What works for one partner might completely turn off the other partner. Sex is a skill that is heavily based on communication.

When people fail to communicate, that’s when the sex gets bad.

I went on to Instagram and asked people to write down all the myths they have heard about sex. The sample size is niche and small, but myths travel far and wide. And we shall debunk those myths right here!

Your vaginal muscles get loose when you have more sex: More sex you have, more lose you become.

No! During sexual arousal, vaginal muscles relax which enables penetrative sex. But these muscles relax slowly, which is why foreplay is essential. 

After sex, however, the vagina returns to its usual shape and tension. There is no evidence that sex causes a loosening of the vagina over time.

The vagina is temporarily more open before, during, and after sex – similar to the mouth stretching to yawn or eat, then returning to its usual shape.

Hymen: breaking is a sign of ‘losing virginity’

There are myths about hymen breaking during first penetrative intercourse, and that one bleeds when the hymen tears. This signals that the woman has lost her virginity. It’s all a myth. It is.

Hymen 

Sexually active women will never find good husbands

Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha

In my opinion, this is a narrative spread by insecure men who felt threatened by women who owned their sexuality. 

Women who are sexually active are likely to have a better understanding of what is pleasurable to them. They are more aware of the kind of sex life they need, of what works for them and what doesn’t. 

When a woman is sexually active, she will most likely communicate her needs better. But what makes a good husband is his ability to intently listen to his partner’s needs and to be able to deliver too. 

When men can’t meet women’s sexual needs, he must come to terms with his sexual incompetence. This can create further insecurities in men and bruise their egos. 

And to protect their egos, the narrative goes: “sexually active women will never find good husbands.” 

Also, the obsession with hymen being intact and myths around virginity further fuels this stupid notion. 

A girl on top is demeaning to her power

Hmmm, I wonder how. 

A man on top is admirable. He’s considered powerful. He’s labelled all kinds of macho and inspirational. 

But God forbid a woman stays on top! It demeans her power! 

Quite interesting that – to protect a woman’s power, she has to always lay down. Adds to the narrative that sex is done to women. 

To add onto the satire – what do we say when its two women having sex? Somebody has to be on top? Or is a side-to-side only permissible?

Losing one’s ‘virginity’ changes their entire personality

Lol, no.  Where’s the evidence? 

I doubt if having sex changed our parents’ personalities – majority of whom I presume did not engage in pre-marital sex, given the environment they grew up in. 

But tell me, do you think this applies to both men and women equally? 

Perhaps it’s the burden of responsibility that changes their personalities, and not their first sex.  

Men should always initiate sex.

Nope. Women and nonbinary folks, anyone can initiate sex. 

It always hurts the first time you have sex. 

It doesn’t hurt everyone. It didn’t hurt me; it didn’t hurt so many of my friends. It’s all about lubrication and making sure that you are turned on. Use lube if need be.

Sex makes you gain weight, makes you age faster, and makes your breasts bigger. 

Nope! Having sex will not impact how your body looks at all. It doesn’t impact your weight either. 

In fact, feel-good hormones, endorphins and oxytocin, are released during sex, which activate pleasure centers in the brain. Instead, an active sex life adds more years to your life. 

Sex is bad only for unmarried women

ONLY FOR UNMARRIED WOMEN? 

Another myth spread to ensure that men get women with “tight vaginas” and “intact hymen.”

Girls will be impure after sex.

The ideas about impurity are tied to sex to control women. 

Penetrative sex is common way to orgasm for women 

Many women do not orgasm through penetrative sex and require stimulation of the clitoris. Penetrative sex is the least common way for women to orgasm. 

You should ‘save’ yourself for marriage

If you want to, yes. But if you want to have sex before marriage, that’s completely fine too. 

Women don’t ejaculate

Women do ejaculate. Female ejaculate is a thick, whitish fluid resembling very diluted milk. The fluid has also been found to be usually clear as water. 

Skene’s glands, also known as ‘the female prostate,’ are located on the front wall of the vulva, surrounding the urethra. They each contain openings that can release ejaculate.

After having sex, a woman’s glow gets lost

No. Another attempt at curbing women’s sexual explorations. 

Foreplay is not sex. 

Foreplay is the sexual activity performed before intercourse. It includes the physically and emotionally intimate acts partners engage in for better arousal. That being said, foreplay in itself is pleasurable, and intercourse need not take place too. 

For example, kissing triggers a release of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. This lowers cortisol (stress hormone) levels, and increases feelings of affection, bonding, and euphoria.

Story 5: On contraceptives

Who bears the burden of buying contraceptives in a relationship?

Who bears the burden of using contraceptives in a relationship?

Who bears the burden if a contraception fails?

A conversation about contraceptives should always take place alongside any conversations about sex. Sex is and can be great, but it can also lead to things you never anticipated, for example: a foetus or sexually transmitted Infections (STIs). Particularly, if you are engaging in casual sex, contraception is a must! And having that conversation with your partner prior to engaging in any sexual activity makes the relationship even more honest. 

If you aren’t comfortable buying condoms at store, then you aren’t ready for sex.

The most common contraceptives are condoms and pills. (FYI: Flavoured condoms aren’t made for penetrative sex.)

There are two kinds of contraceptive pills available: hormonal pills and emergency contraceptive pills (also known as plan B pills). Hormonal pills contain both estrogen and progesterone hormones, which should be consumed as directed by the pharmacist or as instructed on the paper that comes along with the packet of the pills. Hormonal pills, albeit safe to consume, can cause side effects on women’s bodies. Some common side effects include irregular periods, nausea, vomiting, bloating, and breast tenderness.

Plan B pills, or morning-after pills, can lower your chance of getting pregnant by 75-89% if you take it within three days after unprotected sex. Nowadays, there are emergency contraceptive pills that can be used within 5 days after unprotected sex. The earlier you consume the pill, the more effective they are. However, these pills may not work if one weighs above 74 kilograms. Here’s a quiz to find out what kind of emergency contraception is best for you.  

However, there are other contraceptives beyond condoms and oral pills. For example: intra-uterine devices (IUDs), femidom, contraceptive injections, hormonal implants, contraceptive patches and so on. Some contraceptives include hormones and do not cause menstrual cycles: for example: hormonal Implants inserted on the upper arm. The validity of contraceptives also varies. Some injections last for 3 months, whereas IUDs can work up to 10 years.

For more information on different types of contraception, please click here. 

Many contraceptives are available as over-the-counter (OTC) medicines and can be purchased without a medical prescription.  

Here are a couple stories that were shared with me about experiences of Nepali individuals purchasing contraceptives in Nepal. Some stories contain references to abuse and assault.

Sexual Assault and Pills

Bought plan B pills since the age of 12 (first assault sadly), never felt judged or didn't care. Pregnancy tests were worse to get to be honest. Especially had to buy in school uniform, while I was on my way home from school because that was the only time, I could buy that. Threw a lot of pregnancy tests and empty plan B wrappers in the field next to my home.

I remember one incident distinctly. I was buying pregnancy test kit for my cousin, and the pharmacist asked if I wanted abortion pills too, just in case? I had never heard of the existence of an abortion pill and was like, “first, this isn’t for me and secondly, I don’t know what it does.” But the fact that this was a middle-aged man completely without stigma giving me (my cousin) care that might potentially help us is something I think about sometimes as an adult. I appreciate it more and more as I grow old. I hope that Dai is still helping young people without stigma.

Hook-up culture

I went to this clinic to get a pill and while he took it out, I casually asked how many people come buy the pills (these days). The person said that it was sold in huge amounts and it's because of how casual hook-up culture has become in Nepal. He started explaining to me that it should be blamed on girls that they need the pill bla bla bla and they should've used a condom bla bla bla. Then he started asking me personal questions, but our conversation was interrupted by another customer, and I could leave that uncomfortable situation where I couldn't tell him to shut up.

Common myths about contraception

Contraceptives can cause infertility. If men use contraceptives, gods will get angry.

Buying contraceptives: gendered judgements

Every time I have bought a contraceptive, there is always a judgement. I have felt that mostly with women pharmacists. Same with pregnancy tests. One time, a woman handed the condoms to me all wrapped in a newspaper while hiding it from other customers. I wasn’t shy or embarrassed. But for some reason, she felt the need to hide. It shows how women are not expected to be forward or open up about sex. Rather, they want us to be super discrete about it. On the other hand, my guy could freely buy that with no judgement whatsoever. 

Marie Stopes International has various branches across Nepal, which provides services related to contraceptives to people. Please feel free to visit their branches for reliable information in a judgement-free environment.

Story 6: Banning porn to counter sexual violence is unintelligent

Without addressing the need for comprehensive sexuality education and dismantling rape culture in Nepal, porn ban is not sufficient to tackle sexual violence

On September 21, 2018, following the socio-political outrage of the Nepali public against the rape cases of Nirmala Panta and Bhagirathi Bhatta, the Ministry of Communication and Information Technology declared to ban digital pornography in Nepal. 

Citing Article 121 of the Criminal Code of 2074, which states that “Producing, printing or publishing or circulating through electronic media any obscene book, pamphlet, drawing, film, picture, record or any other item which is lascivious (increases physical libido) or appeals to the prurient interest or makes characterless,” the government imposed a blanket ban on pornography to counter sexual violence, a move criticised as not so much a solution but a deflection from graver issues.

“Banning porn was a quick fix. Without doing any research or without any concrete base as to what is leading to an increasing number of sexual violence in Nepal, the ban was imposed as a mere reaction to the public outrage,” says Anugya Kunwar, a pleasure activist for CHOICE for Youth and Sexuality.

Despite the government’s decision to ban pornographic websites, cases of sexual violence have not come down. 

According to WOREC Nepal, on average, seven women or girls are raped daily in Nepal. During the lockdown period alone – from March 2020 to August 2020 – 1,221 women and girls were raped. 

Laxmi Aryal, Senior Programme Head at WOREC (Women’s Rehabilitation Center) shared, “A 15-year-old girl was raped by her father, and she couldn’t even tell her mother. They came to know of it only when she was about to deliver the child. And that is because the mother never discussed any of the sexual violence she faced; her daughters had to suffer eventually, from the hands of the same man.”

In 80 percent of cases of sexual violence, the offenders are someone that the victims know of or are in close proximity to— nearly half of them happening at home.

Hence, the government’s ban on digital pornography seems like a futile attempt at curbing sexual violence in Nepal.

While the governments’ decision of banning porn to counter sexual violence lacks research or statistical base, experts agree that porn creates a false - and often distorted - sense of reality. And it subsequently elicits virtual experiences translating into real-life enactments. 

“Porn treats women as products and objectifies them. It not only is degrading to women, but it also dehumanizes them. Individuals then try replicating what happens in porn in real life, and that leads to all sorts of sexual violence,” says Asmeeta Koirala, digital content creator of a feminist Instagram handle @wabi.sabi.society, that has 48.9 thousand followers.

However, banning porn without necessary foundational resources and infrastructure in place is downright myopic and unintelligent.

“Individuals’ sexuality and conversations around pleasure are very suppressed in Nepal. In a society like ours, a blanket ban on adult content might not be the best measure, without having appropriate sources of information on sex, sexuality, and sexual expressions.”, says Rukshana Kapali, a 22-year-old transgender woman.

There can be three major reasons for the failure of the porn ban and its insufficiency to counter sexual violence in Nepal. Firstly, stigmatization and repression of conversations around sex, and secondly, a lack of comprehensive sexuality education (CSE).  The third is Nepal’s pre-existing prevalent rape culture.

Humans are inquisitive sexual beings, so it is only natural for them to search for ways to seek sexual pleasure. However, Nepali society considers sex as a subject to be shushed or frowned upon, so there are typically no conversations around it whatsoever.

Kunwar says, “Neither parents nor teachers taught us about sex during our formative years. There invariably exists an air of discomfort when it concerns this subject. Parents shy away from these conversations and teachers skip the little materials that do entertain it in our books. Without being appropriately taught about sex, consent, bodily autonomy, pleasure, contraceptives – that should all be encompassed in CSE– we are unable to provide young adults with information about their own bodies. Therefore, they resort to porn for sexual release.”

By repressing conversations on sex, adolescents are deprived of knowledge about their own bodies and their functioning. “The lack of CSE in our education system is resulting in institutional violence. By limiting the information of our sexuality, pleasure, and consent, we are infringing upon the rights of people to learn about their bodies, at an appropriate age,” says Kunwar, who also runs the Instagram handle @feminist_futures_nepal. 

Queer rights activists are even warier of the curriculum. “The CSE curriculum is made from a heterosexual lens; it doesn’t talk about sex between queer individuals – how would a woman have sex with another woman or a man with a man. In such a situation, how will queer folks learn about their bodies, and their desires and sexual needs?” asks Kapali, a human rights activist.

In the absence of an inclusive and accessible CSE, people are watching porn, not just for sexual pleasure but to learn about sex. When porn becomes the source of information on these essential topics, they start objectifying women and degrading them. Thereby, it nurtures rape culture and establishes the very grounds for sexual violence.

Porn portrays women as sexual objects as opposed to sexual agents. Sex is done to women, not with, and they are merely objects of sexual desire. Koirala says, “It reinforces a lot of gender roles, and lacks a demonstration of consent and the use of contraceptives. When the only source of knowledge about sex is porn, it negatively shapes the idea of sex, consent and promotes violence.” 

While there might not be a direct link between porn ban and sexual violence, Koirala says, porn is a part of the rape culture because it objectifies women and commodifies sex. “However, banning porn is not the solution to curbing sexual violence – we need to address the pervasive rape culture of our patriarchal societies.”

Rape culture is the socio-cultural environment in which sexual assault is normalized and the survivor is blamed for their suffering. When statements such as ‘boys will be boys’ are used to normalize their predatory behavior, or when a family’s honor is placed on a woman’s vagina, women are more exposed to violence and the perpetrators are excused for their behaviors, experts say. 

“In one of the cases, a grandfather raped his granddaughter. The father blamed the mother and the daughter. He accused his own daughter of seducing her grandfather and reprimanded his wife for such a compromised upbringing of their daughter,” shared Aryal, who is also a campaign lead of Violence Against Women at WOREC.

Aryal says that rape culture is very pervasive in Nepal. “Every time we make an excuse that boys are hormonal or men got seduced, or attracted by women and justify their sexual violence, we are reinforcing the rape culture.” 

Foremost, rape culture manifests through victim-blaming. “If a woman’s consent and her body has been violated, our society questions her – why was she wearing that, why was she out at night; she was excited, she was uttauli,” according to Aryal.

Secondly, another major reason for sexual violence against women is because their bodies and their purity are considered the prestige or ‘ijjat’ of the family. As long as the woman remains pure and chaste, the family’s honor is intact. 

Koirala explains, “When that burden is placed on a woman, she becomes vulnerable to violence, as evidenced by the heart wrenching case of Bhagirathi Bhatta – who was raped and murdered due to a family vengeance.” 

Above all, women aren’t aware that they should talk about these violations of their bodily autonomy with their families, friends, or even organizations. “Women don’t have the knowledge that they should talk about these things. And that’s probably because they don’t have such safe spaces where they can share.” shares Aryal.

That is why, experts say, the focus should be on dismantling the rape culture by emphasizing awareness, education and introducing inclusive and accessible CSE. They argue that porn only contributes to the rape culture but the government can’t dust off their hands after introducing a law that addresses the tiniest proportion of the issue.

Nepali society is rife with rape culture. The repression of conversations about sex with the lack of an inclusive comprehensive sexuality education (CSE) exacerbates rape culture. Banning porn, without addressing the graver issues of rape culture, is barely enough in countering sexual violence. 

Moreover, it’s almost impossible to block all the websites in today’s digital world. 

Despite taking down 21,000 porn sites, porn is still easily accessible – with or without a virtual private network (VPN). 

“This prevalent concept of “ghar ko kura ghar mai raakha” – keep your family’s matters within the family itself – has actually kept women from seeking help,” says Aryal. “It is extremely crucial to address these aspects of our culture that create grounds for sexual violence. Porn ban can only do so much.”

Story 7: HPV vaccines in Nepal

Cervical cancer ranks as the most frequent cancer among women in Nepal. 

Cervical cancer is a type of cancer that occurs in the cells of the cervix — the lower part of the uterus that connects to the vagina. Various strains of the human papillomavirus (HPV), a sexually transmitted infection, play a role in causing most cervical cancer.

HPV vaccines can prevent cervical cancer. Despite being preventable, in the lack of national vaccination drives against cervical cancer, many women are losing their lives. 

A study by UNFPA finds that cervical cancer is the most common cancer in women, with 2,942 new cases (21.5 per 100,000 women) and 1,928 deaths (14.3 per 100,000 women) in 2018 in Nepal. It was predicted that without any intervention, a total of 170,600 women in Nepal will die from cervical cancer by 2070 and 318,855 by 2120.

Early-stage cervical cancer generally produces no signs or symptoms. Signs and symptoms of more-advanced cervical cancer include: vaginal bleeding after intercourse, between periods or after menopause, watery, bloody vaginal discharge that may be heavy and have a foul odor and/or pelvic pain or pain during intercourse. 

HPV vaccination is administered as a two-dose series: at zero and six to 12 months for most persons who initiate vaccination at age nine to 14 years and three-dose series at zero, one to two, and six months for persons who initiate vaccination at age 15 through 45 years. The same three-dose series applies to immunocompromised persons.

These vaccines are safer although they could lead to some minor side effects such as pain, redness, swelling, dizziness, fainting, nausea, and headache. However, these side effects are nowhere near fatal and therefore there should not be any concerns or fears regarding this vaccine.

Resources: Getting HPV vaccines in Nepal | HPV vaccination drives in Nepal